Doodles
by WingedWolf121
Summary: Someone in glee club has been doodling Kurt, and the girls are determined to find out who, and whether he has their blessing to pursue their boy. Every boy in glee is a suspect. This will be a mighty quest..St. Hummel endgame, Kurt/all glee boys suspected
1. Chapter 1

_Title: Doodles_

_Summary: Someone has drawn Kurt, and the girls find the pictures. This calls for a quest to find out who drew them, one which will involve every girl and boy in glee. St. Hummel endgame._

_Disclaimer: I confess. I'm a reincarnation of Ryan Murphy. What do you mean he isn't dead? Damn, that takes away that plot to claim glee for my own. Currently I'm stuck without it._

_Dedication: Sofiajedi, because without her proofreading everything and encouraging me, nothing would get posted. Ever. She rocks._

_A/N: …a line popped into my head, and this somehow happened. Warning: Going to be a weird ass fic. _

Lord Tubbington was the actual instigator.

Brittany had to get toys for him, because the vet said he needed exercise. Brittany didn't particularly trust the vet, because he told her to get Tubbington off atkins which duh, even she knew was effective, but maybe Lord Tubbington was bored!

That would be sad. So Brittany decided to find something for him to play with. And Brittany knew all about what cats like. She had to find something cool from a trash can!

After all, nothing was more fun than the things people put in trash cans. Lord Tubbington rooted around in them all the time, except that made her parents mad so maybe if Brittany got stuff beforehand Lord Tubbington wouldn't need to root around himself.

But thing was, Santana told her she shouldn't root in garbage. And all of the trashcans in the cafeteria smelled really bad, and the lunch ladies kept shooing her away! But nobody was in the choir room, and that blue trash can Kurt put by the piano had lots of bits of paper in it! Lord Tubbington loved paper!

Brittany crouched down next to the piano and began to root around in the special blue trash can.

She found like, ten crumpled up balls of paper! It was funny how there was no food or anything in this trashcan. Maybe people in glee club didn't eat…Artie _said_ he wasn't a robot, but everybody used to call Jesse an automaton! And when she asked Kurt about that, he told her it was a fancy word for robot. Maybe Jesse was the robot Lord Tubbington kept telling her about.

That reminded Brittany that she had to get home and give Lord Tubbington his gifts, and her knees sort of hurt from kneeling on the floor for so long. Thinking about robots took a long time.

**line break**

Lord Tubbington _loved_ his new toys. He batted them all over her room, and thanked her very politely. Brittany was glad he was busy, so she had a chance to write in her diary without him reading it over her shoulder. She was in the middle of describing Artie's new pair of suspenders when Tubbington meowed loudly.

He was sitting in the center of the floor now, trying to pull a ball apart. Tubbington must've wanted to draw!

Brittany got off her bed and uncrumpled the paper. Tubbington meowed loudly, again.

"What's wrong?" She turned it over. "Oh!"

It had a picture of a cat on it! Guilt washed over Brittany. That blue box must've been somebody's special locker, and she'd stolen their picture! Brittany immediately picked up the other toys, Lord Tubbington glaring at her.

"Sorry Lord Tubbington. I need to find who these belong to." Brittany began straightening the creases in the other pictures. Hopefully the artist had signed the others.

Huh. The others were all of Kurt. She cocked her head. Somebody had gone to a lot of trouble to doodle Kurt's face, and his butt, and a full page drawing of him performing. They'd be sad to lose them.

She felt like a terrible person. At least she knew who to give the pictures to now.

**line break**

"Mercedes! Where's Kurt?" Mercedes blinked, feeling a headache coming on. She'd tried to stay up late last night and work out some sort of choreography for Nationals, and now the diva was absolutely fried. She had no idea how Kurt wasn't dead yet, what with the amount of time he spent practicing.

"Britt, it's early. I don't think he's even here yet, you know Kurt and his morning moisturizing routine." Brittany drooped. "Aw, Britt…can I pass on a message?"

She brightened instantly. "Yes! I found his pictures, can you give them to him for me?"

Mercedes wondered if this was a Brittany moment, or a morning moment. She'd never seen Kurt pick up a pencil to draw, ever, and he attested to the fact that his artistic talent was entirely fashion and musical based. "Do you mean a magazine?"

"No, the drawings!" Brittany searched in her bag for a moment and produced the sketches. "Can you give them to him?"

Mercedes took the drawings.

Who the hell was doodling Kurt's ass? Mercedes' protective instincts surged. Kurt needed emotional security after his breakup with Blaine, not somebody who wasn't out of the closet. And the Blaine situation proved well enough that Kurt had the ability to ignore enormous character faults in order to not be alone.

This person had to be checked out, and approved of, before he was allowed to freely doodle Kurt.

"Actually Britt, I think these were going to be a present for Kurt." A little white lie never hurt anybody. "Can you not tell him you found them?"

"Sure!" Brittany said enthusiastically. "I always wanted to be one of Santa's helpers! I can even find my elf costume!"

"Where did you find them, by the way?" Mercedes had to figure out who in a school of over 500 people was eying her boy…this was going to be tough.

"In the special blue box in the choir room." Brittany peered over Mercedes' shoulder. "Becky! Becky wait up, Lord Tubbington had a question for you!"

Brittany flounced off, leaving Mercedes blindsided. One of the boys in glee? Nobody else ever used the choir room. That certainly narrowed it down. And they clearly had some issues, if they were throwing away pretty good pictures.

Hell to the Naw. Kurt didn't need to deal with anybody who had problems. He had gone through _enough._

But Mercedes couldn't handle the whole team herself. There was Finn, Puck, Sam, Mike, Artie, hell maybe even Mr. Schue. This called for extreme measures.

**line break**

"Someone's drawing Kurt?" Quinn leafed through the drawings. "Somebody in glee?"

"Yeah. And I want to know who. Somebody has been extensively studying Kurt's butt, and that person had better be worthy of such fine material." Quinn made an appreciative noise. Their boy's backside was an oft discussed subject among the girls.

"I seriously doubt Sam. His anatomy reacted very favorably to boobs when we were dating." Mercedes sighed.

"We don't know that much about him. I can't see it being any of the boys, but he's the one who dyed his hair."

"My man isn't gay." Lauren leaned across the table. They were unobserved, in a seventh period study that every other person, including the teacher, skipped. "But I find this intriguing. I'll talk to Puck."

"No!" Mercedes felt a flash of panic. "Puck would spread the news over the entire school. I want this kept quiet until we figure out who it is."

Lauren smirked. "Please. Puckerman isn't telling anyone, not when I'm done talking with him."

"Fine." Puck would be an good ally in this search anyway. Not only could he take down any guy in glee if it came to a physical fight, but he could hide the bodies when Mercedes had cut them. Better to have someone to take the fall for them than get their own hands dirty. "But we need to approach this delicately with Mike. I mean, he's dating Tina."

"Do we even want to tell most of the guys this? I mean, god knows Finn has homophobic tendencies." Quinn pointed out. "I've never even seen any of them paying much attention to Kurt unless he stands up and demands it."

"Somebody is sneaky." Mercedes reached for the pictures, and put them back into her binder. "I'll interrogate Sam."

"Mercedes, we need to do this subtly." Quinn was completely aware that Mercedes had a tendency to storm off and beat people down, which wouldn't help this situation at all. "What if it's somebody who would be a great boyfriend?"

"In this club? Let's check the records. We have poor confused little Finn, Sam the enigma, Artie the suspenders man, and Puck." Mercedes shot Lauren an apologetic look. "No offense Lauren. But Puck's a douche bag."

"I know. He's incredibly hot while doing it. If he is does want Kurt, I'll let him off easy. Provided they let me watch." Quinn sighed. That was a wonderful image right there.

"We can go to him first. Lauren, are you positive he won't talk?" Quinn asked. Lauren smiled, looking terrifying predatory.

"Believe me, I have ways."

**line break **

Quinn had always been just a little bit scared of Puck. Not as if he'd hurt her, because honestly Quinn was a cheerleader and Sue put all of her cheerios through intense army training and Puck wasn't that douchey anyways, but because he was unpredictable. It was always just a bit tough to know how Puck would react to his thoughts. He had the potential to cause a lot of destruction.

So it was very, very, sweet to see him cowering against the lockers. He looked half turned on and half terrified as Lauren loomed over him, blistering threats raining from her lips. She and Mercedes exchanged impressed glances.

"What did I do?" Puck whispered when Lauren paused for air.

"That was a brief preview of what will happen to you if you're the person we're looking for." Lauren held up a drawing of Kurt doing a high kick. "Did you draw this?"

"No." Lauren somehow became taller, and Puck shrank five inches. "I swear! I didn't even know Hummel could bend that way."

Lauren grunted in satisfaction. "Sure?"

"I don't have any notebooks, there are nerds to take notes for me." Puck looked at the drawings, clearly intrigued. "Where'd you get it?"

"Brittany found it in the recycling of the choir room. There's one that's just Kurt's butt." Puck frowned.

"Why do you think I did it? It might've just been one of you girls."

"Puckerman, if any of us had the skills to draw Kurt's ass in that much detail, we wouldn't toss it. He is _fine._" Puck looked indignant. Lauren ignored the expression. "You're going to help us uncover whoever drew these. And if we don't approve of them, you're going to dispose of them."

Puck grinned. "I get to do the most fun things with you."

"Stick around. You just might end up privy to something just as enticing." Mercedes gagged.

"TMI guys. Puck, just stand in the background and glare when we tell you to." The diva pointed to Quinn. "Who's the next candidate?"

"We talk to Tina about Mike. We aren't attacking her boyfriend." Quinn shot Mercedes a dark look. "But I'm doubting his homosexuality. We've all heard Tina's stories. He's a damn good faker if he's hot for Kurt instead."

"Do I have to hear this?" Lauren whacked Puck. He suddenly resembled a puppy. "Just saying, why don't you go after Sam? Or Artie, he doesn't have a girlfriend."

"If it's not Mike, he'll be helpful for intel. He's the only guy in glee club everybody is cool with." Mercedes yanked the drawing from Puck's hand and put it back in her binder, then crossed Puck off their list.

"One other thing." Quinn gestured to the binder. "Mercedes, keep that binder safe. Nobody need know we're up to something."

_A/N: Eh, whatcha think? Sorry to all the Puck/Kurt fans, but I could never see Puck and Kurt together. Now review, please, because this is going to be so hard to write. _


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I'm going to try to put a chapter towards investigating each boy, so any ideas would be great. Though be warned, I have the ending worked out. Those who do not like St. Hummel begone. _

_Also, sorry if you like Twilight, but I share Stephen King's view. _

_Review Responses:_

_Vaishin: Wow, thanks! I'm glad I made you like Lauren-I think she's hilarious, if not necessarily a nice person. _

_CLAMP and Fair lover13: Thanks, I'm glad you liked my writing of Brittany. She and I share a dumb blonde mind connection._

_KurtFabulous: Thanks! Yeah, I did get the inspiration from Kurt's performance of Some People (pure brilliance) and the fact that we didn't see what Jesse was drawing with him._

_Sorrow Cheshire: I'm glad there are other St. Hummel lovers out there! They're such an underappreciated but awesome pairing. Heh heh…now I'm scared to not update. Surprisingly, that helps my writing along._

_Sam: Thanks for the review! Yes, this is unapologetic crack, meant to be entertaining. I should've labeled it as such in the description, but I was already running out of characters. _

They held an all girls sleepover at Quinn's house. In absence of Kurt's delightful basement, Quinn's large room and eager to please mother had to do. Because really, Ms. Fabray was so thrilled that her daughter had friends and wasn't weeping into her pillow about Beth she was willing to do anything for them. In this particular case, ordering pizza and providing the girls with privacy.

"Tina, we're worried. Could it be Mike?" Tina brushed her hand over the picture of Kurt with his bitchplease face on. The nose had to have been erased and redrawn five times. Mercedes looked at her sympathetically. "We hate to cast suspicion, but it was a glee guy."

"I really don't think so." Tina took another slice of pizza, remarkably unconcerned. "He gets quite a bit of pleasure from the heterosexual relationship."

"He might be bi." Mercedes pointed out. All of the girls were sprawled on the region of floor in front of Quinn's couch, puppy style. Quinn was draped over Lauren's shoulder as the other girl loaded the pictures into a file on her laptop. The blonde's creamy silk pajamas contrasted sharply with Lauren's electric blue sweatpants and skull crusher t shirt. Mercedes had taken center space, the binder balanced in her lap and Tina next to her with the pizza.

Under normal circumstances this group would be at Kurt's house on his plush carpet, and Kurt would be resting his head on Mercedes shoulder while playing with Quinn's hair. And Santana would be lying on the couch with Brittany.

"Fair point." Tina conceded. She chewed her pizza thoughtfully. "That would be an amazing threeway."

Mercedes chuckled deep in her throat. "Oh, girl. You have a one track mind."

"Quinn was thinking it too." Quinn turned magenta and curled closer to Lauren. "And believe me, you should be thinking it too. Mike's _abs_."

"Puckerman's arms." Lauren shot back. She clicked out of the file and stretched out her legs. "Your pajamas are the bomb."

Tina smiled and traced a finger around the tiny skulls embroidered into her sweatpants. "Thanks. Kurt did the stitching for me."

"Speaking of which. Tina, are you sure it couldn't be Mike?" Mercedes asked, looking ruffled. Tina stared at the picture, the slightly cartoony angles of Kurt's cheeks and the light coloring around the eyes.

"I've never seen him actually working at drawing, but he doodles." She sounded doubtful. "I thought he was just doing his bio homework in glee or working out dance routines."

"Then he already has a girlfriend, that doesn't bode well for his prospects with Kurt. Kurt would never go out with one of our exes unless he knew he had consent." Mercedes mused. Everyone looked at Tina.

"I'm not giving Kurt the okay to go off and date my boyfriend! For all we know, whoever drew these was just bored!"

"Kurt's ass is drawn in exquisite detail. I don't know about you, but I don't put that much work into anything I'm not seriously invested in." Quinn said with an eye roll. She pulled the laptop off Lauren's lap and reopened it. "Mike always sits in back with you, he'd have ample time to see Kurt's backside."

"This is _my boyfriend_!" Tina glared at all of them. "Mike wouldn't lie to me about wanting to be my boyfriend. He's actually really honest."

"He could be torn. You're both awesome, what if he loves you both?" Mercedes said. There was a beat of silence.

"So, basically, Kurt and I are Jacob and Edward." Tina deadpanned. Mercedes choked on her pizza. Santana whacked her on the back and shot Tina the evil eye.

"Don't you dare reference Twilight." Quinn growled. Her eyes had the menacing glint which usually preceded something terrible happening. "Or so help me, I will go Cujo on your ass."

"And besides," Santana added. "Who would Kurt be? He loves sparkles, but only in moderation."

"Edward." Lauren replied. "Romantic, pale skin…"

"Prudish, a stalker, unable to woo properly, whiny…" Quinn grumbled in reply. "The only possible comparison is the ability to eat cougars for lunch."

"True that. And now I'm a werewolf?" Tina scoffed. "Who has the compulsive need to take his shirt off, mainly because I lack any proper personality?"

Santana and Quinn exchanged long suffering looks. Mercedes began to argue with Tina, starting with whether or not there were any records of Asian Vampire Clans and how they would relate to Volturi.

Amateurs.

* * *

><p>Not one of girls paid any attention to Mr. Schue that day in glee. Excepting Rachel, who was badgering him for a solo. They had agreed to keep Brittany in the dark. The blonde would surely blurt out something, unless she held the belief that she was working under Santa. No power in the world could make Brittany go against the will of Santa.<p>

Quinn, Mercedes, and Lauren had huddled in the corner with Puck. They were sneaking looks at Mike, whom Tina had sat next to just to keep things somewhat normal. Santana was with Brittany, covertly observing the two Asians.

Luckily, Kurt was in a major bitch off with Rachel about solos. He had more important things to worry about than his coven's strange behavior. Jesse seemed to be contributing vague comments, but the attention of the girls was focused on Mike. Mike looked nervous.

Of course, none of the other guys had noticed. Sam _also had a notebook_ and Finn was glaring at Jesse. On the scale of glares, it ranked extremely low.

Mercedes was starting to get bored. She had to get up front and start arguing about solos, not stay in back where Mike could be observed. Lauren was texting, though Quinn's slightly glazed eyes were still aimed at their current suspect. And Puck, who was meant to be intimidating, was just staring at his phone and shifting in his seat.

Then, Quinn grabbed Mercedes's hand. _Mike had taken out a notebook._ He also had a _pencil._

Suddenly, Mike got the impression he was surrounded. He peered around. Yup, nearly every girl in the room was staring at him. And Puck, but Puck had his "I have a boner" face on, so he wasn't nearly as scary as the girls. Even Tina was staring!

"Did I do something wrong?" He muttered to her. Tina shook her head, eying the notebook.

Okay, this was confusing. Were they all failing biology? Because as stupid as the Asian stereotype was, Mike would agree to tutor them all without needing to be intimidated into it.

"Seriously." He muttered to Tina. "What'd I do?" She just shook her head.

Okay, it wasn't their anniversary. It wasn't Tina's birthday. He wracked his brain. All their important dates happened during the summer, so he couldn't have been missing anything like that. Did Tina ask him to do something and he forgot about it?

Maybe he was supposed to compliment her outfit today. But Tina wasn't wearing anything special, was she? Uh-oh. If she was feeling insecure and he hadn't noticed and so all the girls were furious at him, then Mike was a terrible boyfriend.

But then wouldn't Kurt be pissed? Kurt was arguing about solos, not withering Mike's innards with the evil eye. He couldn't have done anything too bad.

"Tina, can we talk?" Mike grabbed her hand. She followed him out into the hallway, grabbing his notebook. "What's wrong?"

She ignored him and started flipping through his notebook. All the girls had filed out after them, and formed a circle. Mike was strongly reminded of a pack of wolves, preparing for a kill.

A pack of wolves obsessed with his homework. Tina finished examining his notes and smiled. Despite the freaky situation, Mike had to smile back. She just had such a _wonderful_ smile.

"It's just biology!"

What?

"Oh. He's cleared then." Quinn paused, and looked inquisitively at Mike. "Unless you have another notebook you use during glee?"

"Um, no? Biology is the only subject easy enough for me to do without needing to think." Tina sighed, relaxing all the muscles Mike had barely known she had tensed. She grabbed him and kissed him.

What? Happy what, but still _what?_

"Girls? And um, Puck, what did I do? Or not do…" Tina smiled and cuddled into his side.

"You aren't drawing Kurt in a creepy stalker way then recycling it." Quinn replied, absolutely serious.

Okay, that was unhelpful.

"What? Seriously, I'm confused. And I think I deserve an explanation, that was the one of the scariest experiences of my life!" The girls exchanged looks of smug self satisfaction, and came to a conclusion. Mike was sure they had some physic network they tapped into, so they could make important decisions without enlightening confused bystanders as to what they were up to.

They did. He'd had very in depth conversation with Sam about it.

"We found these pictures in the recycling binn. They're all of Kurt, and whoever drew them spent a lot of time on them. And a lot of time examining Kurt's ass." Mike blinked.

"You thought I drew them? I draw like a mentally impaired four year old! And I'm not gay. I'm in love with Tina, did you not pick up on that?" There was an instant of silence.

Oops.

Tina kissed him again, and a chorus of "awws" resonated through the hallway. When Tina finally broke away, Mike could barely remember why he was in the hallway originally.

"So, Mike, can you help us?" Quinn asked. She looked particularly angelic. "None of the guys hate you, and you could help us break through Artie's misogynistic attitude."

Mike took one look at Tina. She was smiling. "Please, Mike?"

Thank god Matt wasn't there. Because Mike's dopey "Whatever you want Tina" would have earned him endless mockery. Matt already teased him enough about being whipped, there was no need to prove him absolutely right.

* * *

><p>Mercedes crossed Mike off the list, and texted Kurt back.<p>

_Tampon thing solved. No worries boo_

It was comforting knowing that there was a couple of fool proof lies Kurt could never, ever, do anything to help out with.

_Kk. Won't be around after school, working on performances for nationals_

Mercedes turned to her friends. "He won't be around today. We can plan."

"Mike and I are actually going to go out to dinner." Tina was smiling blissfully, cuddled up to Mike's side. Mercedes really couldn't blame her. If she had a hot boyfriend who just said he loved her, in front of a bunch of people, she'd be pretty damn blissful too.

But what they were trying to achieve was getting Kurt a hot boyfriend, who would be unafraid to proclaim love in front of everybody. Because Kurt deserved someone like that.

_A/N: If anyone didn't know, Cujo was a rabid dog who mauled around 4 people, and trapped a mother and her son in a car until the son died of dehydration. Really great book for anyone who likes horror/suspense/morbidity/gruesome killings._

_Artie, Sam, Finn, and Mr. Schue are still left. Y'know I've got shit figured, so I could totally hold back the next chapter until I get more reviews instead of scrambling to post something so I don't feel bad about letting down my reviewers._

…_no I won't. But you could review anyway? _


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Artie will be interrogated. I think this is the crackiest chapter yet…_

_Hazins: Thanks! I plan to._

_Adommyadisonmurdockrulz: Isn't it just a wonderful image? _

_Sorrow Chesire: *gulps* update here! No reason for sick sharpening…and have I mentioned that I love your username? _

_KurtFabulous: Glad you liked! Rachel isn't involved thus far, because I don't see her as part of the fellowship of girls. She's not well liked enough to be part of the group, at least not in my opinion. And no Brittany not in on it either, because the girls think she'll say something to Kurt by accident. Sorry to not make it clear._

_Vaishin: Gosh, I'm really glad it made you laugh so hard! That review absolutely made my day._

_Gleek Princess: I shamelessly reference Stephen King, even when he has nothing to do with what I'm writing. Heehee…I can so see that. Glad you're liking it!_

_Katja: I feel ridiculously accomplished for realizing how to do the line thingy…To do it: Once you upload a fic to document manager, go to edit/preview. When the text box is there, go to the top of the screen, where the little symbols for bold and italics are. Up there is one symbol that's just a line. Click on it, and it inserts a line! Ah, the wonderful things ffnet comes up with. I love you too! _

They had a strategy this time.

Tina and Mike both knew a great deal about Artie's schedule. Quinn, thanks to her time being pregnant and searching for easier ways to leave school than long staircases, knew where all the handicapable exits were.

They knew Artie could be very stubborn. If they didn't go to extreme lengths, Artie could easily flee, or snort and dismiss all females. This was an opportunity to terrify that sexist pig.

Of course, Mercedes, Santana, and Quinn didn't need to tell Tina that. They hadn't had time to wreak vengeance on Artie for being obnoxious, and this was a fantastic plan. Warn him off being bad to Kurt, while at the same time showing exactly how badass their gender was.

Puck and Mike were just to be instruments in the plan. Lauren, who had not been involved with the club during the Age of Tartie, was willing to play along just for the fun of it.

As far as Tina was concerned, the point of the mission to scare the hell out of Artie was only for Kurt's sake.

They had all met in Quinn's room again, this time to finalize their costumes.

"Quinn, watch the salsa. Drip it on my lingerie, and we're going to have it out Lima Heights style." And also to eat snacks. Santana picked up her new bra, inspecting it for stains.

"Relax. I didn't spill anything." Quinn winced as she pricked a finger on her needle. Embroidering stockings was so much harder than Kurt made it look. "Besides, a bit of salsa looks just like blood in dim lighting. And as long as Lauren makes good on that promise to hack the school lighting system, dim it will be."

"The AV club obeys my every word. As soon as I text instructions, Barry will cut the lighting in half." Lauren smiled, strapping another piece of leather to her leggings. "We need to time this perfectly. If Artie gets on that ramp, he'll send Santana flying."

"You take the ramp then." Quinn replied. "Santana and I will be at the door, blocking his exit. Mercedes, you ready to fling open the emergency exit doors when he runs?"

"More than ready." Mercedes grimly finished the final touches of her makeup. "Girls, are you prepared to wreak havoc on a susceptible young mind?"

"Definitely. Mom, are you ready to drive us?" Mrs. Fabray poked her head into the room. Her pleasant smile turned in an instant to white faced alarm.

"Girls. Um. Are you…working on a project?"

"Mom, you know Kurt?" Mrs. Fabray nodded, still looking as though she was on the fence about letting them leave the house. "We need to ensure that no unworthy man dares pay him attention."

"…Will he be with you?"

"No." Quinn smiled as innocently as she could. If her mother wouldn't provide transport, they were screwed. The only other person with a large enough car for them was Kurt, and he must not know of this! "But Tina's boyfriend, Mike, and Puck will be there."

"Really." Right. Her mother was less than fond of Puck.

"Mom, we're just intimidating Artie! He couldn't take one of us in a fight, let alone all of us combined." Mrs. Fabray looked a bit appeased. She'd met Artie once, and knew that at the very least the girls could outrun him. "The school won't be deserted Mom. Don't worry."

"Fine. But I want you to call me as soon as you finish your intimidation…plan." Quinn laughed nervously. That was one hurdle cleared. Kurt _was_ on school grounds, but he was doing some sort of dance/piano thing in the auditorium. He wouldn't be out of their until late in the day, and Kurt would head to his car as quickly as possible. The ramp behind the school where Artie made his way in and out was not a place for those in danger of extreme harassment.

* * *

><p>Artie left jazz band at five. He wheeled himself to the ramp at the back of the school. Having to go all the way around to the back of the school, then all the way back around to the parking lot where his dad would be waiting to pick him up, sucked <em>so much<em>.

At five oh five, he reached the doors out of the building.

At five oh six, the lights cut out. Artie twitched involuntarily.

There was a faint patter of footsteps.

Oh god. This might be aliens. Sam told him about the Mars Invaders, and the TommyKnockers, and oh _crap_ there was a silhoutte in the window. Artie grabbed his wheels and prepared to flee from the building like there were wings on his chair instead of wheels.

When he opened the doors, a hulking figure stood before him. Artie squeaked.

Behind him? Two more hellish creatures, both of them with little tongues of fire running up their thighs. Another crouched on the window sill, and when he turned towards the fire exit (whoever designed the building was an extraordinarily bad architect-a fire exit right next to the back doors and an outdoor park? Really?), another womanish thing threw open the doors.

"_Artie Abrams!" _She roared. The lights flickered back on. Now he could see them all.

Santana and Quinn blocked the hallway. Santana was dressed in fishnets and a dark purple bra, with a matching purple skirt that didn't even qualify as a bikini bottom. Fishnet cloth hung from the bra to cover about half of her midriff. Tiny little lines of fire had been painted on her fishnets with some sort of phosphorated paint. Her hair was wild around her shoulders, and her eyes glinted.

Beside her, Quinn had the same fishnets and lines of fire traced up her legs, but she had chosen to go for a tattered white sundress and her hair bound up like an amazon. No pants at all, just black fishnets and fire. Her lips were red, and her thick mascara lent fierceness to her shining eyes.

_Crap._

Artie's fear only grew at the others. Mercedes, shoulders bare and shirt extraordinarily low cut, and dressed in rich red. Her skirt was long, but ripped up the sides. Her high heels accentuated the rich curves Puck had spoke of reverentially, but Artie never even considered.

_Shit._

Lauren, at the door. Hulking, menacing, in leather and straps and leggings and her hair curled to fall around her face enticingly. It sent Artie's mind spiraling into all the things Lauren could do that he'd be terrified of, but sounded _so fun_.

_Damn._

And there was Tina. She was often gothic, but this, this was…her black cloak swirled around her thighs. They were bare, all the way up to a swishy black skirt and a gilt silver belt. From there, nothing up to a bra made of chainmail and silk.

_Oh my fuck._

Artie swallowed. This was either the single most amazing wet dream he'd ever had, or the most terrifying nightmare. And he had a new depth of sympathy for Finn. Artie could really use a mailman right now.

"Arthur." Santana whispered. She took one step towards him, the flames on her thighs making fascinating patterns. "Arthur, I want you to do something for us." He gulped.

Something mind bending was happening. Quinn began taking deeper breaths, proving that she'd drawn flames over her chest too.

Oh, Fuck. He'd never wanted anything this bad in his life. Surrounded by, stunning, terrifying, women who'd never looked at him with these kind of gazes except in his dreams. And even those hadn't been this imaginative.

"Artie." Mercedes growled. She had an amazing growl. "There's a question you have to answer."

"Yes?" Artie barely got the word out. The girls closed into a closer circle. Lauren just behind him, Tina's bra glittering in the half light on one side, Mercedes in red on the other. And in front of him the two girls known as the most desirable and unobtainable in school.

"Can you draw?" Tina purred. This was on the weirder side for wet dreams.

"Yes." Artie's mouth was dry. Did they want him to draw? He'd draw. He'd do just about anything at this point.

"Have you drawn pictures of Kurt Hummel, Kurt Hummel's behind, Kurt Hummel's face, and then thrown them away?" Yes, a very strange wet dream. Was he meant to answer yes to this?

"Um…" Artie began to stutter. "Should I say yes? I can say yes."

"Tell the truth Arthur." Quinn murmured. She leaned closer.

"No." Quinn sighed, looking relieved. She stepped back and shook her hair, all the sensuality gone from her movements.

Well, most of it. Artie kept his hands in his lap. Mercedes snorted and withdrew too, taking a binder of…well who knows where. She also had a pen, and made a slashing mark in the binder.

Lauren took out a phone. Did girls just have random places they could hide things?

"Barry, lights back on."

Hold up. Barry was the electronics whiz of AV club. He had absolutely no place in any of Artie's dreams. Nor did Tina pulling her cloak to cover most of her skin. Or the way Santana was suddenly ignoring him.

The lights flickered back on, properly. Artie stared around. This was the single most confusing thing that ever happened to him. In his entire life.

"Uhh…what's going on?" Mercedes spoke over his head.

"Not him. Do you think we should go for Finn or Sam next?" Lauren resumed texting. Artie spoke up.

"Uhh, girls?"

Mike and Puck drifted in from the ramp. Puck did a double take when he saw Lauren. Artie had never ever wanted to see Puck's face that way. Mike simply glided over to Tina and wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Hey dude." Artie gulped. He was cool with Mike now. And that made it completely clear that this was not a dream. Mike and Tina together did not factor in his dreams. "Um, what the hell happened to you?"

Artie really hoped that his friend couldn't see the stains on his jeans. He desperately wished his guitar wasn't strapped to the back of his chair, it would cover his lap perfectly.

"They…cornered me. And I don't understand anything at all anymore." Mike eyed Tina. She smiled flirtatiously.

"I don't even want to know. They found pictures of Kurt's ass in the trash, and now they're on a manhunt." Artie blinked. Oh, this was random. He was going to have perfect fantasy material for the rest of his life, and Kurt was buying him a new pair of pants.

"Does Kurt know?" Mike rolled his eyes. "Stupid question. I think Kurt is here though, I heard music earlier."

"I hope not. There's no possible way for Kurt to come upon this and not want to know every single detail." Mike shrugged sheepishly. "I'm here to pick up Tina, I think the others are going home with Quinn."

He glanced at Puck, who was staring worshipfully at Lauren. "Well, most of them."

"Tina!" Mercedes called. "We're going after Sam next. Be near a phone tomorrow afternoon for details."

"Got it!" Tina glanced at Mike. "But ah, make it late afternoon."

Artie gulped. Shit. He was going to be like a wheelchair bound version of Finn if this kept up!

"Bye dude." Mike grabbed Tina by the waist and lifted her up bridal style. It exposed more of that silky skin. Artie tried to sink into his seat. Thank god Mike was distracted.

"Artie, you have our sincere apologies." Quinn didn't look very sorry. She looked like she was trying not to laugh. "We had to have some way of ensuring that you were honest and unable to flee."

"Okay." Artie croaked. They filed out, giving Artie a wonderful view of all their backsides.

_Dammit!_

_A/N: Errrr…no explanation. And if Tina can dress up like a vampire to freak out Figgins, the girls can dress up like satanic hookers to scare Artie. _


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sam now. I think this fic is basically me screwing with all the characters. Well, at least I'm having a lot of fun.**

**Special super duper thanks to Sofia, mah bffl, for translating a bit of Spanish for the lunch ladies. Yes, I made the lunch lady a stereotype. Frankly, I think that in Lima Ohio, it's probably the low paying sucky jobs go to the minorities. Stereotypes come from somewhere you know. **

**And yeah, Finn isn't going to have his own chapter. I sort of don't like him enough right now to deal with his "noooo me no homo that be bad" attitude. I shipped Kinn during season 1, then Theatricality aired and I wanted to slap Finn. The desire hasn't abated.**

**One other thing: I adore Kum.**

**I ship them, and before BIOTA came on I was so sure Sam would end up hooking up with Kurt, and during Born This Way I was so convinced that Sam would be wearing a shirt that said "Bisexual" (because I also like Quinn/Sam, and refuse to believe that Sam would dick around with Quinn), but nooo, Ryan Murphy decided to be a little bitch and give me Raine and trouty mouth…arrgh. **

_MiSa-sama-MiSa-chan: I like to think it conveys a sense of both! Yes I think I will, but probably not until the last chapter. So you know, you'll be force to keep reading! Muahaha!_

_KurtFabulous: Why thank you! It's so fun hearing that someone likes more than one fic I've written, and heehhee, that happens to me. This is set before Nationals, and for the most part I've been ignoring the existence of Nationals. Nationals are just a few weeks away, rather than the next episode._

_Katja: *Happy dance* Excellent, the power of the fic grows!_

_Lena and Leisel: Thanks for reviewing!_

_Sorrow Cheshire: Well…eventually…see the girls don't know and it's centered around them…it'll happen! I promise! Right now I'm mocking how the girls are focused around Kurt's relationships but he's being a background character! But someday…Wow, cool name! _

_Vaishin: Thanks! It was really fun to write. It's great that it had the desired effect __J Jesse's doings will be revealed in due course. _

_Gleek Princess: xD Finn would self destruct. And I actually felt bad for Artie, but I consider it karma. And I think Kurt would buy Artie some kind of neon plaid skinny jeans, just to laugh at him._

_Caelae: Heehee, wackiness was the general aim! I put it as St. Hummel in the description to lure in St. Hummel fans, and I'm pretty sure the fact that it's Jesse was given away in the first chapter (cat picture). It would be fun to mystify people, but I'm pretty sure it's obvious it's Jesse. I'm glad you think my writing would hook them though : )_

It had to be here _somewhere._ Quinn growled as she opened yet another drawer, cursing herself for not organizing this damn thing sooner. No, she had to wait until her teacher decided that she needed to have a "writing folder" and wanted the entire class to dig up graded papers from freshman year…Quinn yanked another ream of papers from the recesses of the desk.

This was going to be hell. And that was assuming that she hadn't given the paper to a younger cheerio sometime in the past…

A sheet of paper slipped from the folder. Desperately hoping that it was from her Jane Eyre paper, Quinn picked it up.

Oh dear God.

She reasoned later that she must have blocked it from her memory simply because it was so horrible.

There was brief period when McKinley had attempted to have an art class. It was only for a short period of time while there was no sub for woodshop, but it was long enough for Finn to decide that drawing pictures would be a good way to express his feelings for Quinn.

Perhaps the incredibly screwed up drawing was a subconscious way for Finn to show that he and Quinn were destined to be messed up. Whatever it was, the abomination proved that he couldn't possibly have drawn the pictures.

Because no one's talent could change from "my girlfriend's head is potato shaped and her boobs are bigger than her eyes" to "tiny sketch lines which subtly suggested toned butt cheeks". Let alone Finn, who didn't have the work ethic to perfect anything he wasn't already semi talented at.

Which really, was relieving. It wasn't so much that the incest bothered her (Quinn watched Supernatural, and really that fandom had a one track mind…), but she had dated Finn. He was not in any way a sensitive enough boyfriend for Kurt.

* * *

><p><em>Puck<em>

_Mike_

_Artie_

_Sam_

_Finn_

_Mr. Schuester? _

_Sam: _

_2:30: Walked into glee. Carrying backpack and textbook. Sat down in corner seat next to Brittany. _

_2:45: Mr. Schuester began talking about solos. Kurt stood up to volunteer services. Sam watched. Ass staring? _

_2: 47- Took out notebook. Kurt still with ass in Sam's view._

_2: 48- Found pencil. Began to do something in notebook. Looked up often. _

_2: 50- Erasing! Kurt paying attention to Rachel and Jesse. _

_2: 54- Erasing again. Kurt and Jesse now talking. _

_2: 55-Writing. Keeps erasing. _

_2: 56- Looking at Kurt_

_2: 58- Kurt's ass now in directly Sam's vision. Sam looking down at paper again and writing. _

_3:00- Sam staring intensely at Kurt. _

Mercedes inspected her log of the latest glee meeting. Sam had been scribbling and erasing and concentrating the whole meeting. He had also been in the perfect position to covertly observe Kurt.

But Sam was no pushover. He was a great guy, true, but Sam had a backbone. She remembered him going up against Karofsky. Sam had balls, even if he wasn't one of glee clubs trouble makers.

Of course, that could only mean he'd be harder to back into a corner. And he didn't have any deep emotional bonds with the people in glee which could be manipulated. Sam had spent half a year insisting that he _wasn't_ gay.

He had better get a new attitude if he was going to go out with Kurt. But Kurt might be willing to overlook something like that in favor of having an actual boyfriend. Kurt had gone out with _"you aren't sexy"_ Prep boy, he'd go out with _"Not freaking gay you guys no I didn't dye my hair"_ Sam.

Hmm. Mercedes looked around the hallway for inspiration. Kurt at his locker talking with Jesse, Rachel at her locker with a vaguely shellshocked look, a poster for the hockey team with a penis drawn over the stick, Emma's office…Aha!

She could fall back on the time old method of planting obvious hints. That would get through Sam's brain, and Miss Pillsbury had a pamphlet for everything. Seriously. She'd been given one about riots not being the solution to tot-cravings.

* * *

><p>"Mercedes, I'm not sure I understand what you want." Mercedes picked up another pamphlet. "And I'd prefer for you to not rummage through my things."<p>

_Vegetables and You: Plants are not a solution for happiness_ Who the hell? There were far, far more obscure problems at McKinley than met the eye.

"Sorry Miss P. Do you have anything about stalking? Or emotional repression? Or coming out of the closet?" Emma stared at her. "They're not for me!"

"Do we need to talk about anything?" Mercedes shook her head. Emma just sat down behind her desk and met Mercedes's eyes. Emma had a really, really, compelling stare.

"Okay, there's this guy. We, the other glee girls and I, think he sort of…likes, Kurt. As in, drawing pictures of Kurt that we found in the recycling like."

"Oh how romantic!"

"Yeah, sure Miss Pillsbury." Mercedes shot her weird look. "Well, he isn't out, and he's sort of creeping on Kurt, and I was just looking for some pamphlets to encourage him to get over his issues." Emma beamed. It was extraordinarily infrequent for students to actually appreciate the power of pamphlets.

"I'll find some." Emma searched through his desk. She had observed the student in question for a few days, and this was the ideal opportunity to connect with him. Without forcing somebody who would obviously _never_ ask for help into a situation they were uncomfortable with. "Here you go."

"Thanks. And er…" Emma smiled reassuringly.

"I won't tell. It'll be nice to see Kurt in a healthy relationship."

* * *

><p>Sam was having a pretty good day. Stacey and Stevie weren't being irritating. He'd gotten that stupid homework done. He'd gotten his hands on an illegal dvd of Thor, which Sam actually felt bad about but he couldn't exactly afford tickets.<p>

And now somebody had left a note in his locker? Sam blinked. Most people just talked to him in person. Even if he knew Kurt always got really pale and immediately tossed whatever paper was poked through the vents in a trashcan, it seemed like it would be really rude to not at least look at it.

_Demonstrating Affection: Stalking is not the way_ What the hell? Sam flipped through it, noting the instructions to give cards, not face book notifications.

Was his grandmother trying to say something about him sending her an ecard for mother's day? Sam shrugged it off and stuck the pamphlet in his textbook.

By the next period, Sam was fairly sure somebody was pulling a really weird prank.

He was rooting around in his backpack, trying to figure out what hell happened to his homework, when his hand brushed laminated material. Sam was pretty sure nothing in his backpack was laminated.

_The Closet Smells Weird: Coming out_ Not funny. He was heterosexual. Sam had no idea why every, freaking, person at McKinley thought he was gay, but he wasn't!

And how did it get into his bag? That was creepy. Sam tossed the pamphlet in the trash, oblivious to the Latina girl staring at his back.

It kept happening. _Action Without Calculation is Instrumental to Success_ in his biology folder. He'd found it third period, and considered asking Tina and Mike if they had any idea what was going on. But Tina and Mike looked really absorbed in that binder, and Sam was considerate enough to not interrupt them over some dumb prank.

_Showchoir is NOT life_ was somehow put on his tray at lunch. Sam gaped at the lunch lady, who looked back at him with a bland face.

"Dude!"

Sam wished he was better at Spanish. "Esa chica locas me dijo que si no te lo daba, ella me mataria a lo "Lima Heights.""

"…right." Sam stomped over to his lunch table. There sat Mercedes, Tina, Quinn, and Lauren. Mike and Puck were huddled at one end, discussing the latest incarceration of Halo. "I have been having the weirdest day."

"Oh, really?" Quinn asked indifferently.

"A lunch lady just have me a pamphlet about show choir not being the most important thing in life. Can somebody who's good at Spanish explain to her that she gave it to the wrong person?" All the girls looked momentarily confused.

_Miss P must be losing it _Mercedes thought. _I expected something about hair products not being the key to the social order. Though that's sort of untrue…_

"I guess someone simply wants you to open up to people about your feelings." Mercedes said out loud. Sam shrugged.

"Somebody thinks they know more about me than I do then. I also got one about sleep necessity, one about stalking, and one about coming out." Sam scowled at his food. "If this is a prank, it's not very funny."

"Or you could read them." Sam flung his hands up in the air.

"I'm _not_ gay! Why does everyone think that?"

"Your hair." Tina responded immediately. Sam glared.

"One innocent mistake. I had no idea it would rebound this way." Sam muttered. "Where's Kurt by the way?"

Mercedes and Quinn exchanged significant looks. Tina elbowed Mike. "I don't know man. Did you want him?" the Asian asked.

"I was hoping he could help me with my homework." Sam sighed. "I really don't understand parabolas."

"I could help you." Mike offered. Puck laughed.

"Way to fulfill stereotypes." Sam ignored Puck. If there was any way for him to not fail math, he would take it, stereotypes be damned.

"Okay, can you figure out this?" Sam took out his math notebook.

There was a collective inhale. Sam looked around. Everyone at the table was staring fixedly at his notebook. It wasn't that interesting, just a green notebook he'd gotten at CVS.

"Sam, that's your homework notebook?"

"Yeah. I kept trying to catch Kurt's attention during glee, but he was too busy talking about some dancey thing. But I'm not even going to be able to go to Nationals if I flunk!" Sam waved his hands around. "I'm been going around in circles trying to graph these things." Sam sighed. "So can you explain the formula to me Mike?"

"…sure." The whole group looked as if someone had taken the wind from their sails. Quinn had her disappointed face on, and Mercedes had a grim hangdog look on her face.

"Is is that terrible for me to be bad at math?"

"I don't suppose you also draw pictures of Kurt's ass in that notebook?" Sam wondered if that was code for something.

"Um, no. I don't pay that much attention to Kurt's backside." Lauren slammed a fist on the table.

"Damn!"

"Wait, did you guys plant those because you thought I was?" Sam was reasonably intelligent. "What the hell made you think that_?_"

"We found pictures." Mercedes opened her binder and handed over the pictures. Sam flipped through them. They were pretty good, but Sam's only talent lay in drawing Na'vi and spaceships. Those took him _ages_ anyway.

"So you just thought I'd be the one doing it?"

"Mike's with Tina. Puck's straight. Artie's been crossed off. Finn's drawings turn those who look upon them to stone." Mercedes recited dully. "And it was somebody in glee, we found them in the recycling binn in the choir room."

"Oh my god." Tina gasped. "That only leaves…"

"_Mr. Schue_!"

**A/N: Jesse just doesn't register for them. Like he doesn't seem to register as a love interest for Kurt in the minds of most writers x(**


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Final chapter! Except for some kind of epilogue telling Kurt's side of the story. Yes, it's ridiculously late. But I've had no internet, and other arrrgggh worthy issues. Including, but not limited to: grades, writers block, real life, an overdose of watching other shows and therefore not thinking about glee, and it being too hot to be near a laptop. _

Every teacher has instincts. Emma knew when a pamphlet had been ignored. Sue knew when a cheerio was losing motivation. Brad appeared whenever when someone was about to sing.

Will had those instincts. Sure, sometimes they failed him, and on rare occasion Will overlooked the obvious, but these times were far and few between. Usually.

Anyway, he'd starting paying more attention to the little tingles on the edge of his mind after he ignored them and Kurt transferred. This situation was setting them off. Really, really, really, setting them off.

"Mercedes, I thought Kurt tutored you? And Quinn, your grades in this class are fine." Will frowned at the crowd of teenagers around his desk. "In fact, Kurt tutors all of you. Except, Santana, because you _speak_ Spanish."

"The offer for extra help was open to anyone who wanted it." Quinn murmured. Will eyed her. "Are you denying a student something they want?"

"Could you deny a student what they wanted?" Santana hissed. She leaned over his desk, eyes glittering. "Even if it went against a moral compass?"

"…you can have the Spanish help if you really want it." Will said. "I mean, I'm the Spanish teacher, I can't say no."

The group of students around his desk exchanged grim looks. Will tried to pinpoint what in the world his instincts were trying to tell him.

Crush? All of them simultaneously? That had happened once, and he'd ended up with a demented cult of students trying to get him into some sort of orgy. This was one of those moments when he really wanted Terri, if only because she could subdue even his most fervent admirers.

"Listen, I don't know what you all think might happen…" Will was not going to send misleading signals in song this time! He was quite sure that if he encouraged these particular girls in the least, it would end up with him being fired. "But I am a teacher. I can't have any sort of romantic liaisons with a student."

There was a quick intake of breath from all the girls at once.

"Girls?" Will wondered if that had been too blunt. "Not that many students aren't wonderful and desirable people, but I'm a teacher, and I've had quite a few complicated things happen with the women in my life recently…so, you know this is setting a good example for the rest of you. It's smarter to avoid drama, and I think this is exactly what you are all trying to create."

"Well Mr. Schue." Quinn rose from her seat and looked at him scornfully. "You've brought it upon yourself."

"I can't…you girls are the ones…" Mr. Schue rubbed his temples. "Do you want Spanish help or not? Because I need to work on my notes."

"You mean, those things you work on _in glee club_?" Santana got up as well, her eyes narrowed in his direction.

"I…yes? I do work on a lot of things in glee club. I mean, when I'm not paying attention to solos." He glanced around them. Maybe this wasn't about a crush, which would be embarrassing. Maybe they were angry about the fact that Jesse was doing so much work in glee club.

Which was sort of valid. Jesse had been doing some secret project with Kurt, and perhaps they were angry that Will had been paying so little attention to the counter tenor that he decided to seek mentorship somewhere else. He could understand them being worried about Kurt.

Upon reflection, that made more sense.

"I promise, Kurt is fine." Whatever was bothering the girls, that seemed to do the trick. Will attempted to smile as they walked out, all one body.

Was that a murderous look in Tina's eyes?

He desperately needed to confer with Emma.

* * *

><p>They gathered around the piano, trying to figure out what to do. Artie had been brought in and the situation explained to him, because Artie was pretty smart and he might be able to help. They also had Brad, but he had been there when they arrived. And he didn't count.<p>

"Should we tell Figgins?" Mike suggested. "He kicked Sandy Ryerson out in a second, I'm sure he'd do the same to Mr. Schue."

"But Mr. Ryerson came back." Tina pointed out.

"That was because Sue wanted him back. If we just tell Sue instead of Figgins, Mr. Schue will never be seen again." Santana said. Mercedes bit her lip.

"Then glee is over. And are you sure Miss Sylvester won't launch this into the news, in order to hurt the reputation of glee club coaches everywhere and further ruin Mr. Schue?" Mercedes was pretty sure that, if given the opportunity to ruin Mr. Schue, Sue would lunge.

"No way. Sue actually _likes_ Kurt, he even has a nickname given from fondness. And Kurt's name would have to come up if she did a Sue's Corner about it. It's more likely that if we told her Mr. Schue would just…disappear." Quinn said. It was scary how much Sue liked Kurt. She'd probably strangle Will with her bare hands, and revive him just so she could torture him.

Quinn also had it on good information that Sue kept a fully functional torture chamber in her soundproofed basement.

"But we don't _know_ Mr. Schue has done anything." Sam said. The room glared at him. "I'm only saying that maybe we should warn him before killing him. He could be pretty broken up about the whole becoming a pedophile thing."

"Not important." Mercedes growled. "We ever get evidence he's doing more than drawing creeper pictures, we set Sue on him to kill him."

"Oh dear god…this is today's youth?"

The entire group froze in shock.

"You honestly think that guy has time to draw pictures of Kurt? He doesn't care enough! He doesn't have enough talent! Furthermore, you morons are overlooking the obvious person who's been spending a _lot_ of time with Kurt lately!"

Oh my god. Brad was talking. Brad could talk. It sent the collective brains of glee into an explosive spiral.

Except for Sam, who'd been there for a shorter amount of time and wasn't so used to Brad only being furniture. He was just amazed that Brad knew what was going on when none of them had any idea.

"…none of you brats know what I'm talking about." Brad shook his head. "Have any of you even been in the auditorium recently? I've been there playing for those two this whole week until Kurt told me I could go home. Now why don't you go ask Kurt if there's anyone pursuing him? He's in the auditorium if you want to go, now."

Brad got to his feet and grabbed his bag. The faces of the kids were _priceless_. You'd think he'd just stripped and started singing the latest Lonely Island song. About time they realized he noticed everything they did. And noticed that William didn't pay nearly enough attention to Kurt to draw pictures of him.

* * *

><p>When the shock wore off, Mercedes realized that Brad probably had a point.<p>

"We should go to the auditorium. If Brad says that isn't Mr. Schue, and he's probably right, then we need to just ask Kurt if he knows anything." She said. "But maybe we can just ask him on Monday. I'm tired."

"_Thank_ you." Santana grumbled. "I'm sick of this whole thing, I haven't been able to spend any time with Brittany."

"Where is Brit anyway?" asked Quinn. "I haven't seen her around after school."

"Oh, some reporting thing." Santana waved a hand. "I think she was hiding in the rafters of the auditorium to spy on Kurt."

"She's spying on Kurt?" Mercedes laughed. "Why don't you ask her who she thinks is creeping on him then?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Brittany thinks those were a present and that she's helping Santa by keeping quiet." Santana sighed. "I'll text her."

Brittany's phone beeped. She gasped and dropped behind the seats of the auditorium. Jesse and Kurt hadn't heard her come in, but it would ruin the moment if they looked up now. When there was no reaction from the couple on stage, she peeped over the seats again.

Kurt was sitting on the edge of stage, his legs dangling over the side. Beside him was Jesse, sitting closer than the "consultant" boundaries allowed. But that was okay, because the fact that they were kissing blew those all the hell anyway.

It was sort of sweet actually. Pretty innocent as kisses went, both of them with their eyes closed and Jesse with one hand cupping Kurt's cheek.

Brittany giggled as quietly as she could and checked her text. Just Santana, wanting to know where she was. Brittany snuck out of the auditorium, plotting.

* * *

><p>Interestingly enough, it came back to Lord Tubbington. Again.<p>

Jesse agreed to judge Lord Tubbington on Fondue for Two! Brittany wanted to do a bit of interviewing and since Jesse was such a good judge he'd probably be great on a talk show!

Brittany frowned. Talk shows were always dramatic though. She'd learned the word from Jesse, and since she was interviewing Jesse it would be nice to do something with his word. What was dramatic…She cocked her head towards Lord Tubbington when he meowed.

"You say Jesse is in love with Kurt?" Lord Tubbington purred. "That's chocolate ice-cream!"

But whenever someone had ice-cream, they had to confirm it. And have sources! Jacob told her that when he was explaining to her how to be a reporter! Brittany was pretty sure he said she had to have five sources.

Lord Tubbington was one. Brittany bit her lip, trying to think of who else would know. Brittany racked her brains, thinking who knew things.

Coach Sylvester! Coach Sylvester knew everything. But how was she going to find Coach Sylvester? Lord Tubbington mrrowed.

"I can call Kurty!" Brittany considered asking Kurty if Jesse was in love with him. But Kurt knew everybody, and it wouldn't be ice-cream if she wasn't the first person who knew. Brittany decided to just ask him how to find Coach.

She called him. Kurt was giggling as he answered. "Hi Brittany. What-_stop it, I'm talking!_ seems to be problem?"

"How do I talk to Coach?" Kurt laughed again, but not at Brittany.

"_That tickles!_ Here, I'll talk you through logging onto face book." Brittany followed Kurt's instructions until she was on face book, where Coach had the special cheerios page. "Now open up a chat with her, and if you're lucky she'll deign to respond."

"What's deign?"

"It means she'll be nice and talk to you. I've got to go Brittany, but I'll tune into Fondue for Two." Brittany grinned. Kurt would tune in! Then he'd know if someone was in love with him or not. Wow, this would work out awesomely!

"Thanks Kurty!" Brittany opened up the chat.

_Is Jesse in love with Kurt?_ Sue deigned! Brittany clapped her hands when she saw the reply.

_Obviously. Do not attempt to make contact again._ That was okay. Brittany didn't even remember how she'd gotten on to the chat. But more importantly, that was two sources! She tried to think of another.

Jacob? No, he'd steal her ice cream! No one in glee, they'd all tell Kurt before she could ask Jesse, and Kurt would tell Jesse, and it wouldn't be dramatic if Jesse knew it was going to happen.

She could ask her mom. Mom was pretty smart. No reason her mom couldn't confirm the icecream! Brittany ran down the stairs to her kitchen. Wow, her mom was even eating ice cream! That had to be fat.

"Mom! Is Jesse in love with Kurt?" Her Mom froze with the spoon halfway to her lips. She put it down and looked at Brittany warily.

"…yes." Mrs. Pierce had given up trying to talk to her daughter a long time ago. It always went it circles, and eventually she decided to just say yes to the questions. Brittany beamed.

"Thanks mom!" Brittany felt triumphant. She had three sources already! But she needed more. Brittany paced her room. Some one else had to know. Someone else she could talk to…

Lord Tubbington meowed, again. Brittany was so obviously lost without him…

"That's right! Your boyfriend would know wouldn't he?" Brittany bounced down the stairs again, and out the door. All Mrs. Pierce saw was a blonde blur streaking through the kitchen. She sighed and took out another serving of icecream.

Brittany climbed the fence into her neighbors yard. Yup, Sparkles was there. Brittany crouched down in front of the skinny black cat.

"Sparkles, I need to ask you something important." Sparkles stared at her. "Is Jesse in love with Kurt?"

He mrrowled. Brittany jumped up, doing a fist pump. This was going to be the most amazing icecream ever! She filled up Sparkle's bowl-Brittany always brought food over for Sparkles, because he always said he was hungry-and raced back to her own house. She only had an hour to get the Fondue ready! But she needed another source…ooo! Didn't everybody always say birds told them things? She could ask that bird she'd rescued from Lord Tubbington!

As the fondue simmered, Brittany went searching for the bird. She found her in the birdbath in her other neighbor's yard. Brittany smiled at the bird.

"Tweetsy, is Jesse in love with Kurt?" Tweetsy twittered. Brittany laughed.

"How would I know it was a dumb question? Thanks Tweetsy. You can come over anytime, I've told Lord Tubbington to stop hunting you." Tweetsy chirped again. Brittany trotted back to her house to prepare the Fondue, safe in the knowledge that her question was a valid one.

* * *

><p>Jesse was in a great mood that day. He gave Lord Tubbington a 9 out of 10. While his answers to the questions were very well structured (reading a diary isn't invasive if the girl in question needs looking after, the reason American idol was so bad lately wasn't just because Simon Cromwell left it was because the most talented people didn't need a show to affirm their talent, hair is <em>totally<em> the secret to good living), and his talent ranked 10/10 (Never, ever, had Jesse seen a cat demonstrate the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on a barbie), he didn't make eye contact during most of his answers and his posture was frankly horrific.

"So, are you ready for questions?" Jesse shrugged and dipped another piece of meat into the chocolate. He was used to food like this. Some of Jesse's fondest memories of Vocal Adrenaline were of him eating disgustingly fatty food just to piss of Dakota Stanley.

"Lay it on me. I believe the ability to answer questions well is key to being a success in the showbiz industry." Brittany grinned.

"It it true that you're in love with Kurt Hummel? Cause I have five sources confirming." Jesse honestly had no idea how to respond to that.

"How did you know?" That was probably the worst option. Jesse had _not_ meant to say it out loud.

"Well I wasn't sure but Lord Tubbington and his boyfriend and my mom and Coach Sue and Tweetsy told me, and I asked you and you said yes and this isn't chocolate ice cream it's even better!" Jesse tried to decipher that through the chorus singing "you're so screwed" inside his head. Often, when things happened to him, there was a glee club in his head singing to him about his stupidity.

"…Tweetsy. Can we cut this? Like, now?"

"I don't know how to turn off a camera." Jesse hopped to his feet and shut it off. "Thanks! I wonder how many people saw that."

"It was _live?_" Brittany nodded. Jesse reminded himself that not only was Brittany really a nice person, but that jail time would seriously slow down his ascent to Broadway fame. "Okay. Fine. I'm going home to contemplate why my brain decided to cut out exactly when it needed a snappy reply. Goodbye."

"Thanks for judging Lord Tubbington!"

* * *

><p>The video went viral within two hours. It earned a segment on Jacob Ben Isreal's blog, a reposting on face book by almost every member of New Directions and twenty people on Vocal Adrenaline, five messages being left on Jesse's phone by Shelby, Finn camping out in the hallway in front of Kurt's room because his brother refused to come out and answer his yells, Burt spraying coffee over his computer screen when he checked his email, and William Schuester's neighbor breaking down the door to Will's apartment because he heard an unearthly scream from within.<p>

Sue sat in her office and smirked. Everything was going according to plan.

The choir room was tenser than it had ever been on Monday. Kurt had somehow managed to sneak out before Finn woke up and avoided all the girls the entire day. An impressive feat, since he had classes with almost all of them. But he'd ignored all their texts and significant glances, and for some reason all the teachers were insanely strict that day. No one had any idea how Kurt engineered that, but it was effective.

So Mercedes, Quinn, Santana, Tina, Lauren, Mike, Puck, Sam, and Artie were grouped on one side of the choir room. Quinn was holding her head in her hands, trying to figure out how she had a 4.0 gpa and was still that dumb. The rest were whispering amongst themselves about whether or not Jesse was worthy.

Finn was alone, scowling. He was of the opinion that Jesse should be killed on the spot. Rachel had also taken her own position, that of the person who'd known all along (sort of) and was now unbearably smug that she'd known something no one else did. Brittany sat beside her, simply happy that her video had had so many views.

Mr. Schue had a headache. He only wanted to go home and sleep until the planets returned to their normal alignment.

Brad wasn't surprised at all.

Kurt pranced into glee club fashionably late, Jesse just behind him. He strode immediately to the piano, ignoring the hubbub of voices that exploded at his presence.

"If I might have the floor! Some of you may have seen a recent episode of a certain internet talkshow, which featured my boyfriend, Jesse." Jesse waved.

"Boyfriend?" Finn spluttered.

"We've been working on preparing something, and with your permission Mr. Schue, we'd like to sing." Kurt continued.

"…boyfriend? How…when…what…"

"I'll take that as a yes. Brad, hit it." Kurt took a deep breath and began to sing.

"_Kiss me to fiercely, hold me too tight_

_I need help believing you're with me tonight_

_My wildest dreamings could not foresee_

_Lying beside you with you wanting me_

_And just for this moment, as long as you're mine_

_I've lost all resistance, and crossed the border line" _Kurt leaned on one side of the piano, letting the music do most of the work. He'd dreamed of dueting this song since he'd seen the show, and this was living up to all his dreams. Finally, he'd found someone Broadway oriented and actually willing to get up in front of glee club and sing a love song…

_And if it turns out, it's over too fast…_

_I'll make every last moment last!_

_As long as you're mine." _

"_Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise_

_But you've got me seeing, through different eyes_

_Somehow I've fallen under your spell_

_And somehow I'm feeling, it's up that I fell!"_ Jesse poured his voice into the lyrics, enjoying the feel of singing without vocal adrenaline behind him. He had forgotten how fun it was to sing without pressure.

_Every moment, As long as you're mine_

_I wake up my body, and make up for lost time!_

"_Say there's no future for us as a pair_

_And though I may know, I don't care!" _Jesse and Kurt took each others hands, glaring at the glee club. Jesse was focusing on Finn, who he had pegged as the one who would be keenest to split them up. Kurt stared at his girls, willing them to get that he would not be singing this song with anyone he wasn't sure about.

_Just for this moment, as long as you're mine_

_Come be how you want to_

_And see how bright we shine!_

_Borrow the moonlight, until it is through_

_And know I'll be here holding you_

"_As long as you're mine." _Kurt giggled, taking in the expression's on his friend's faces.

"What is it?" Jesse said softly, leaning over to say it more for Kurt than New Directions.

"It's just, for the first time…I feel wicked." Kurt smiled at the glee club. "Any commentary?"

The picture group had decided about partway through the song that they'd get the full story out of Kurt later. In private. Will was quietly wishing that this had happened last year, so that song could have gone on the regionals roster. Finn glared at floor. He had a feeling he was outclassed. Rachel tried and failed to find flaws.

Brittany clapped enthusiastically.

_A/N: "Is it true that you're in love with Kurt Hummel? Cause I have five sources confirmed." Jesse honestly had no idea how to respond to that. Saying "How did you know?" was probably the worst option. _

_That was how this entire story started. I kid you not. And Brittany totally has mystical cat powers. This is also my first full length crackfic. Into which I randomly put a deep, meaningful, song about the true love Jesse and Kurt share (shutup it's au) because I can. Woohoo! _

_The story of WTF happened between Jesse and Kurt will be the next chapter, and likely up after twoish weeks. Because I'm going to a small town in Canada, where this is no internet._


End file.
